What It'd Be Like if Tina Was a Drag Queen

There are two things I love in this world, Tina Belcher and Drag Queens. In fact, when I'm done binge watching Tina's antics on Bob's Burgers I turn on Rupaul's Drag Race. I know, I know, how could I love anything other than my beloved Tina? Well, she's been in similar situations so I won't beat myself up about it. 

Oh yaaas queen, it is very possible to love twenty-five people at once, just like it's possible to love two shows at once. 

While watching Rupaul's Drag Race this morning a lightbulb went off in my head and I was inspired! I immediately thought to myself, "OMG what would it look like if Tina Belcher was a drag queen?!" Stemming from Tina's amazing Erotic Friend Fiction, I decided to write some fan fiction of my own. 

This image above describes exactly how I felt when this idea came to mind. I wouldn't be surprised if they made a Bob's Burgers episode where Tina dresses in drag! Or maybe even a Rupaul's Drag Race competition where Tina is the inspiration? Ahh, the possibilities are endless. So exciting. 

If Tina Belcher was a drag queen, she'd have big hair and flashy moves. Well, she kind of has that already. Can you see it? Tina sashaying down the runway like she owned the place? Bobbing and weaving through the stage as she hair flips that wig and swooshes that boa. It's giving me chills and giving me life! 

I imagine her cat walk would look a lot like this, except she probably won't be wearing that hideous pancho. Or, maybe she would, it might be her drag style. Either way, Tina's look would be epic. She carries herself in a flat, monotone, but very intriguing demure that is undeniably charming. What would her drag name be? Oh my, that may be another blog post in itself. It would probably be something like Equestrian Vampire-Princess aka Teyonce. Yeah, that sounds about right. I'm getting all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about it.

Her drag costume should be unicorn-fanstasy meets crazy cat-lady who works as a lunch lady during the day. Oh my gosh, that would be amazing!

Awesome Shit That Tina Says Vol. 2

Welcome to the second volume of Awesome Shit That Tina Says. By now, you should have a pretty good idea as to who Tina is, what she feels and how she sees herself in the world. We can't get enough of her witty charms and all the truth she is serving. Let's continue on this journey to find out more about our pre-teen diva queen.


1) Flirt a little. Wink a little. 

Now what could this be? The recipe to queen tf out, that's what it is. When in doubt, follow these steps: Flirt a little, wink a little. When has this combo ever steered you wrong? Never, that's when. Just watching Tina do her flirty little wink makes me want to flutter my lashes like a drag queen with dust in her eye. 

2) Time for the charm bomb to explode.

Yes, Tina, you are a charm bomb and your bursting with sassiness! I mean look at that hair flip. I love when Tina asserts her confidence onto others. It's like she bursts through the door screaming, "I'm here bitches, back and better than ever!" But that's a little too spicy for Tina, she's still just a pre-teen. 

3) Slumber parties are the cat's pajamas, especially when I wear my cat pajamas.

 

I love slumber parties! And cats. And pajamas. Except I'm allergic. To cats, not pajamas. I would love to see Tina in her cat pajamas prancing around that slumber party like the little diva she is. In fact, I'd like to be with her wherever this slumber party may be. I bet it's epic. We could play spin the bottle!



4) I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else. 

Yes, Tina, you may put your bra on one boob at a time but you will always be my hero. To be real honest, this was one of my favorite episodes and one of my favorite Tina lines. It speaks so much to her character and modesty and it really allows the character to look up to Tina. She is totally a hero, but she won't even admit it. #TinaForPresident

5) No, you can't! It includes material that may not be suitable for all ages!

Ahh, Tina, always being the responsible young lady that you are deep down inside. It seems like no matter how spicy our young diva gets, she can't escape her true nature, which is the mature, sensible, responsible young girl that we all love and adore. 

Awesome Shit That Tina Says Vol. 1

Sometimes I find myself laughing my butt off at some of the outrageous, witty and relevant remarks that Tina says. The things I've found most relatable about Tina is based on her speech. She says things outlaid that I can only build the courage to say inside my head. So today I am going to dedicate this post to the awesome shit that Tina says. Let's begin. 

1) Hi! I'm Tina! I like horses, music, and boys. 

 

Awh, Tina. Tina, Tina, Tina. She couldn't get more real than this. She is straight to the point. Right off the back we know who she is and what she's into. And I mean, c'mon, how adorable is this. I like boys too, Tina! This statement couldn't be more accurate, especially since throughout every season this theme is a constant. We know that these are the things Tina likes because almost every situation she finds herself in revolves around these topics. Now that is good television. 

2) Your ass is grass and I'm gonna mow it. 

This moment was a significant one for me. For many episodes we've watched Tina be the grunt of jokes and the first one to take responsibility. It's gotten to the point where we just can't wait for her to take a win! This moment is pivotal because it is an assertion of Tina's power and confidence. Nothing can bring her down right now. She is unstoppable. This is her time. And I am all for it. 

3) Here's a bunch of numbers. They may look random but they're my phone number. 

 

Now this has got to be the most graceful pick up in all of television herstory. How many times have you skillfully tried to slip your number on a receipt to a cute server, or the hot barista at Starbs? Nobody? Just me? Okay. Well, Tina understands. Let this moment serve as instruction on how to pick up that honey-baby-darling you've been eyeing in the dairy section at Trader Joe's. You're welcome. 

4) I'm a smart, strong, sensual woman!

 

The first thing that comes to mind is "Yaaaaas queen!" And I will verbalize that phrase for the world to hear because this is exactly how every woman should feel. Never in my life would I have thought that a 13 year old would be my hero, and then comes Tina Belcher, the ultimate #Goals. Never stop believing in yourself Tina! You are a smart, strong, sensual woman! 

Tina Loves Ghost Boy, and I Do Too

By now you should already be able to gauge my obsession with Tina Belcher. You may look at the reasons I've previously listed and though to yourselves, "Okay, but so what?" Well, the real reason I think that Tina Belcher is the best character to ever hit television is because she is just like you! She embodies everything it is to be a pre-teen, and we can all relate to that. She's not a normal pre-teen, she's everything I would've wanted to be. Shoot, she's everything I want to be right now. People can relate to her as young pre-teens and as irresponsible adults.

Everything that happens to Tina is exactly how I would've wanted situations to happen to me as a kid. Even when terrible things happen to her I wish it were me. For example, Season 6 Episode 2 Tina finds out that Jordan Keagan is the infamous "Ghost Boy." Tina is tired of being a goody-two-shoes and decides she is not going to rat on Jordan. Instead, she feels a surge of badassery and decides to join Jordan in his vandal greatness. As you can imagine, a hot little romance sparks up in the midst of the sharpie fumes. Now this is a story I can relate to.

I remember being 12 years old, running around with my tagger boyfriend Andrew. We spent 5 beautiful weeks tagging on school buses with sharpie and I had never felt more alive. Of coarse, our situation was not nearly as cute and collected as Tina's. As the episode progresses, so does Tina and Jordan's steamy relationship. Tina gets deeper and deeper into her illegal ways and is starting to feel it at home. She's not herself anymore. She's tired all the time, and her family notices. Tina and Jordan's escapades began to get more intense as Jordan tries to convince Tina to ruin the Land Ship parade.

Tina feels very conflicted about this situation and she stresses out about it for awhile. We've all been there. You're torn between this super cute boy with a bad-boy side, and the smarter voice inside your head that tells you, "Hmm, maybe this isn't the best thing to do right now." Being the noble person that Tina is, she comes to her senses and intervenes Jordan's evil plans with the help of Louise and Gene. Since I live vicariously through Tina, this was the best decision she could've made because I feel good about it as well. It's situations like this that allow me to see pieces of myself in Tina.

Erotic Hormonium Butt Shaking with Jimmy Jr.

There have been many times where I found myself living vicariously through characters I've seen on television. Everyone does it. If you say you don't, you're lying!

If there were one character that I'd drop my entire life to become, it'd be the one and only Tina Belcher from Bob's Burgers. Tina is the epitome of greatness all around. She's quirky, she's a badass, and she rocks those high socks, no matter what anyone else says. So here are just a few of the reasons Tina Belcher is my spirit animal:

1. Erotic Friend Fiction.

Tina is the only adolescent I know that is comfortable with her own sexuality, and the sexuality of her peers! She is an amazing writer, reeling us in with her charming words and juicy content. Who doesn’t fantasize about their friends touching other friends butts? Which leads me to my next 

point.

2. Tina loves Butts!

We all love butts and we cannot lie. Tina’s fascination with butts only makes me feel that much better about my obsession. There’s something about a strong glute that just gets a girl going.

3. She’s hopelessly devoted, and hopelessly irrelevant to Jimmy Jr.

We’ve all had our very own Jimmy Jr. at some point in our lives. It’s a classic tale, girl loves boy, boy doesn’t know girl exists. As viewers, we can’t help but support and root for our quirky protagonist as she bobs and weaves her way into Jimmy Jr.’s heart.

4. That girl can dance!

Tina’s got all the moves! She shakes her animated hips with such rhythm, it makes me want to get up and shake my butt too!

5. She can't help but grow on us.

You can’t help but be emotionally invested in Tina’s hopes and dreams. We’ve watched her grow from an introverted, shy girl into a butt-shaking, horse-riding, pre teen. It’s like reflecting back onto my own adolescence.

6. Hormoniums!

Tina’s a member of the coolest club in school, the Hormoniums! Who doesn’t want to rave around singing about puberty and mononucleosis in catchy harmonies? You can count me in. If there was a club like that when I was a kid I could’ve avoided mono. Just kidding! But seriously, the Hormoniums could have been the coolest thing. They’re like an adolescent version of SFSU’s Peaches! Minus the weird sex toys and free condoms.

So, there are six reasons why Tina Belcher is my spirit animal.